Gym Bag & Grandma Belle

So I just packed my gym bag. OMG, I am SO EXCITED for tomorrow to get here. I can't believe I am being blessed like this. THANK YOU UNIVERSE!!! What's in my bag you ask, let me tell you. I have a towel, a change of clothes, my shower stuff, my workout binder, my ipod, a self help book, my gym card and my 32oz camelbak filled with H2O.

Right this moment I feel pure excitement & a little bit of fear. How am I going to sleep. I know I have to weigh in tomorrow. If I had to guess, I am now over 300 lbs. (GASP) - (I know you are saying that Sara. :):):)) But I promised myself that I will put all my cards on the table throughout this journey and maintain a blog that is completely honest. I have maintained a weight of 278 for a few years now, but ever since my grandma came to live with us in July, I have been eating because of stress. I am definitely a stress eater. My grandma Belle helped raise me. I moved into her home when I was 9 months old with my brother. My mom worked 3 jobs to raise my brother & I and my grandma really was the one who cared for us while my mom worked. She is definitely a second mom to me. If you could take joy and sunshine and bottle it, you would have my grandma Belle. She is now in Hospice in my home. She has stage 4 colon cancer. The nurse informed me today that she only has about a week left if she had to guess. Her doctor started Hospice on December 23. Ever since December 23rd I have been eating, and eating and eating. I am so sick of myself and my addiction. Because I do recognize it as such. I eat to numb myself. When I step on that scale tomorrow I will not be surprised if I am over 300 lbs. Why you say? Because I have NEVER in my life felt this fat. My size 3x clothes are just fitting. I am so sick and tired of me and my body. I can't sleep at night because I'm in so much pain. I started snoring a few weeks ago. Why? Because I have gained SO MUCH weight in such a short period of time. Am I ashamed of myself, of course. Do I want to ever get on a scale, NO! I don't ever want to face the reality of myself. When I get ready every morning I only glance in the mirror. Why you say? Because I can't stand the look of myself and this body that I created. I look at myself and am disgusted in every way possible. Why did I let it get this far? Because I never felt worthy of anything or anyone. But here is the amazing thing. Ever since I made the video for The Fresh Diet Contest, ever since I put a voice to all these feeling in my head, I feel worthy. I feel like I am worthy of every good thing that this earth has to offer. I feel like the mountain of bricks that I have been carrying on my back all these years has just exploded and that I only have a few stones left. I feel happy and joyful. I feel like I can and that I will succeed at anything I do. I am worthy. I am loved. I am beautiful.

My grandma is going to return home to her Heavenly Father very soon. I will forever miss her. I will mourn her, I will always love her. I know the days ahead are going to be hard on me and my family, but I also know that with death comes life and I choose to live my life to it's fullest. To live in the moment. To rejoice in my choices that I make for myself. My grandma is 89 years young. She has traveled the world and has lived through two wars and the great depression. I marvel at her stories and experiences. I dedicate all that I am doing with this Life Change to her. She will live in my heart forever. She will soon be my angel and I know that I will succeed. I love you Grandma Belle!